How to re-engage with your partner after a difficult argument and timeout.

Conflict overview

Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (See video) Talk about ways of decreasing blame and increasing respect and gratitude in your relationship.

Daniel Siegel's hand model of the brain (See video) helps us keep in perspective how our brains are hijacked.

Time out

Discuss plans for taking a timeout for at least 20 minutes in a way that allows you both to do self-care and calm down. Separate spaces, no talking or texting apart from practicalities of the time out. Practice self soothing, especially calming the central nervous system, using physical relaxation.

Try Calm app which connects with iPhone health data, or UCLA's Mindfulness Awareness Research Center (Includes resources in tons of languages including Spanish).

Letterwriting

Switch gears from venting to reconciliation. Write your thoughts this time thinking of how it would be received by your partner. Use the following questions as prompts:

1. Defining the concern - What's at the heart of the matter for you? What do you most need your partner to understand?

2. Emotions - What heartfelt emotions and fears come up for you? How do you think the conflict has affected your partner?

3. Causes - What is important to understand about the context, events leading up to the conflict, physical needs not addressed (blood sugar levels, sleep, exercise, mindfulness).

4. Responsibility - How could you have been more helpful addressing this concern? What would you do differently now? Can you offer any sort of apology or a word of comfort for your partner?

5. Request - Do you have an idea to solve the problem or find a way forward? What is likely to be mutually agreeable? (specific, concrete, what it is you want to have happen rather than “thou shalt not…”)

6. Appreciation - What can you affirm about your partner? How does s/he matter to you? Where is there common ground related to this issue? (Extra credit: add an affirmation related to the presenting issue)."

Repair Kit Basic

Credit: The Family Therapy Institute of Santa Barbara

Get together with the goal of connecting and understanding each other. When it's time to re-engage, slow things down so you can thoughtfully respond.

“Person #1 starts as the speaker, and person #2 as the listener, and they sit face-to-face so knees are almost touching, look into each others eyes when you are able. [Extra credit, hug for 12 seconds which stirs up oxytocin, the social bonding chemical.]

Rules:

● No interruptions, one speaker at a time, one issue at a time

● Listen with your mind, heart, eyes, and ears

● Stay open to your partner; practice acceptance, saying, “Of course they are experiencing this, feeling that, etc.”

● When you speak, do so with as much invitation and affirmation as possible; take as much blame out of your statements as possible.

● Breathe

Speaker #1 shares:

1. A genuine appreciation towards the other.

2. Something he or she is upset about. Examples: ""it made me mad when you teased me about my shirt today."" ""I didn't like it when..."" ""I don't like it when...” one issue at a time prevents overwhelm and confusion.

3. Responsibility for self - Anything you’d do differently in hindsight.

4. A wish or want that would help fix the thing the person is upset about. Examples: ""I want you to be nice to me and not tease."" ""I’d appreciate it if you wouldn't do that.""

Listener reflects: After all that, “Listener summarize and check for understanding until the speaker can see, I get you, not to have to agree disagree. Deep breaths help the listener keep from becoming anxious or defensive. [Note: If it’s hard to contain your reactions, take notes and then try listening again.] Person #1 shares each of the following:

“After sharing one way, switch so that person #1 becomes the listener and person #2 becomes the speaker. Participants should also pause to take deep breaths while reversing roles." Breathing consciously is one of the fastest and most effective de-stressers available.”

Repair Kit Advanced, Using Letters

Expand from the above, basic steps:

1. Read your letter, beginning with appreciation.

2. Have the listener summarize, check for understanding.

3. Add anything that doesn't seem clear.

Through all this remember the importance of deep relaxation to keep your brain online and thoughtful. Nurture appreciation, sharing from the heart and with respect to help you change the tone and connect.

Question: What if I can’t de-escalate my feelings of anger, hurt, etc? Try this private journaling exercise....

On your own, start venting with your dominant hand then respond with your

non-dominant hand. For every belief that hurts (dominant hand), ask, “What else could

be true?” Note exceptions or positive messages